I love the occasions when I open my inbox and find an email from a sweet reader. These correspondences with you all are what I love most as a blogger. Every month I’ll be opening up my inbox to share questions I’ve received and my responses. However, I want this to be a place to dialogue about these issues. I know many of you have life experiences and wise advice that would help my readers too, so please don’t forget to comment!
This post’s question is about breaking the news of your conversion to your family. Whether your family is anti-Catholic or more neutral in nature, this is something to deal with delicately and intentionally. I’ve received this particular question from several readers. Here it is in a nutshell.
Reader Question:
“I’m in the process of converting to Catholicism, which I am really excited about! However, I don’t know how to break the news to my family. My parents in particular are antagonistic toward Catholicism. Help! I’m afraid to break the news!”
My Humble Response:
First off, praise God that He has led you through the winding roads of life to a home in the Catholic Church! This is such a gift and such a grace! The passage we say at Mass every week ‘Blessed are those called to the Supper of the Lamb’ comes to mind. It truly is a gift, friend!
As to your question, I wish I had a clear cut answer. I wish I could say, “Tell them ‘such and such a way’ and everything will work out perfectly. They will be absolutely tickled pink!” However, you and I both know that there are particular people who will receive such news as heart-breaking regardless of how we convey our personal plan of conversion.
In light of this, we must grasp two crucial concepts as we “break” the news of our Catholic conversions:
1. “And Jesus answered and said, Verily I say unto you, There is no man that hath left house, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my sake, and the gospel’s, but he shall receive an hundredfold now in this time, houses, and brethren, and sisters, and mothers, and children, and lands, with persecutions; and in the world to come eternal life.” Mark 10:28-29
I’ve clung to this promise many times when the going has gotten tough with my family. My hope is not in their opinions of me or my faith, rather, it is in the Lord Jesus Christ. He promises great things to those who are willing to follow him at all costs.
I have a deep, deep love of my amazing family (seriously, nobody could ask for a better family than mine), and it was so hard for me to know how to tell them I was converting to Catholicism. I pray every day that we could once more be united in faith.
2. And from 1 Peter 3: 15-16: “But in your hearts sanctify Christ as Lord. Always be ready to make your defense to anyone who demands from you an accounting for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and reverence. Keep your conscience clear, so that, when you are maligned, those who abuse you for your good conduct in Christ may be put to shame.”
I share this verse with you not to encourage you to prepare a defense (although there is a time for apologetics and well-laid arguments, now is not that time), but rather to give the news of your conversion with gentleness, reverence, and in a manner that keeps your conscience clear. Be upfront with your family and give them the news in a way that you would like to receive similar news.
So in light of these two scripture verses, how can we break the news?
Tips for Breaking the News of your Conversion
1. Be up front.
I think this was THE big mistake I made with my family. I’m a private person by nature (why do I blog for the whole world to see?….beats me!), and I kept my conversion a secret until the 11th hour. I knew exactly what my family would think of my conversion, and I wanted to avoid the consequences of my choice at all costs even though I knew what the Lord was calling me to do. They mean the world to me and I hated the rift I knew it would cause in our relationship.
News of my conversion came out accidentally in conversation and I was totally unprepared to share my news with them. They assumed it was just to unite our marriage (which was really a result not a cause of my conversion), and they didn’t grasp that I had really taken hold of the Truths of the Catholic faith and made them my own.
Not being up front has meant that the painful process of helping my family understand my new Catholic faith and its affects on my life has been a long and drawn out (and sometimes painful) process. Mainly, I should have been upfront about Sunday Mass obligation and how we would be attending Mass when we visited instead of only attending their Protestant service. While we try to attend church with them as well, it doesn’t always work out, and this has caused some very hurt feelings. They don’t realize that we choose to go to Mass because we truly believe we meet and receive Jesus in the Eucharist – something I could have explained from the outset. Instead, they see it as an attack on their own faith beliefs and also our relational ties. It also makes it hard for me to let my little boy who is old enough to receive Holy Communion go and have long visits. How do I get them to take him to Mass on the weekends?
2. Don’t run away.
While I love my family dearly, I tend to run away from trouble. Sometimes this means I am tempted to visit my family less because of the friction I know will arise on Sunday morning. I know that I need to lean into this cross and live my life as normal, even though sometimes moments of our visits can be painful. I have gotten better about this, but we tend to avoid being there on Sunday mornings if we can.
3. Pray, pray, and pray.
While it may sound trite, prayer is always, always, always the answer. I am constantly praying for the softening of my family members’ hearts toward the Catholic faith. I even pray audaciously that the Holy Spirit would bring about their conversion to the fullness of the faith. How could I not want what I have found for my loved ones? There is so much misunderstanding and long held misconceptions and prejudices that we must pray fervently for the Holy Spirit to work in these tough situations.
My advice is to lean on the Lord, pray about the conversation and for the hearts of your family and friends, and then to be gentle and loving in the way you tell them.
Alright, sweet readers! I know MANY of you have tread this path before. What words of wisdom can you share with those who need to “break the news” of their conversion to their family and friends?
You’ll also enjoy:
10 Books that Shaped my Conversion
This was helpful and interesting to read – I’ve been reading and learning more and more about the Catholic faith but my dad is virulently anti-Catholic. For this reason I had considered either telling him after I convert or not telling him and my mom at all. They know I’ve been considering the Catholic positions on a number or things such as how the Bible was created as well as the fact that sola scriptura isn’t actually a Biblical concept and doesn’t work: the Catholic model is the only one that makes sense. And my dad hit the roof when I discussed these things with him, despite the fact I was very calm and reflective while doing so. Even where he admits he doesn’t have good answers he refuses to consider the Catholic position. My husband understands the case for the Catholic Church and is still pondering, so I think when we talk about this it’s all productive. But I just can’t see how telling my dad I’m going to convert before hand is remotely productive. I’m not sure it even makes sense to tell him after I convert. I just can’t see any good coming from this – even if my mom would listen for sure my dad wouldn’t. Sigh. I feel like telling my parents (because I can’t tell one and not the other) is a recipie for worse family dynamics. This one is a pretty hard issue to sort through
You are right that this is a very “sticky” and tough subject to broach with our family. There is no one-size-fits all approach to breaking the news by any means and I didn’t mean to convey that in this post.
I guess my one thought is with your dad is whether he will be more hurt by you not telling him. The conversation may not be “productive” but it may be more loving to let him know.
That’s a good question for me to think about – whether he will be more hurt if I don’t tell him. Something to consider and also pray about for guidance/wisdom as well.
I think that is the most important point: prayer. I’ll pray for you too, sister.
I can’t remember the title of the book, but one convert starting writing a letter to his family to explain that he was going to convert and his reasons – and it turned into a book!
I personally think letters are a great way to be heard without being interrupted.
My situation is sort of reverse – My older sister left the faith for a very anti catholic denomination, and her and I have many conversations through email. This way, we don’t start crying if we are in person because the emotions of family ties can get in the way! I also can read her responses and think about specific books, lighthouse CDs, or whatever that would explain things better than me.
Having to justify my faith to her and her husband is very hard, but what I see bearing the most fruit is when they see that our relationship with Jesus Christ is real and authentic, that we are truly striving for holiness, they begin to let down their guard.
Here it is so true that actions speak louder than words.
As they see you changing and becoming more and more like Christ, they will not be able to refute that truth!!
I find writing and letters a much easier way to express myself as well. My responses can be much more thorough and more put together than when I am speaking on the spur of the moment. I haven’t written to my family about my faith change, but I have considered it. The main thing that holds me back is coming across “preachy.”
There is a time for words, but a life well lived is a very powerful witness.
Just wanted to say thank you for this post! I have recently made the decision, after a painful 5-year conversion process, to join the Church this Easter. I will be following my husband, who joined the Church in his early twenties, and while I have recently let him know about my intentions, I am at a loss as to how best to broach the topic with my parents, a couple of devoted Methodists. Like you, I am a very private person, and I know this will probably come as a big surprise for them, as I have struggled in letting them in on the changes that have been taking place in my heart over the past several years – which makes it all the more difficult to know how or where to start. Hearing about your struggles with the same topic has given me comfort and strength, and made me feel less alone. Thank you for your blog – conversion can be a lonely process, and it’s been nice to have the company of you and other Catholic bloggers along the way. God bless!
God bless you, C! This is such a precious (though sometimes rocky) time! There may not be a good way, but there are ways we can try to lessen the damage while pointing to Christ. I’ll lift a prayer for you!